American View: Hate Technology Sales Calls? They Could Always Be Worse

Technology13 Feb 2024

One of the most frequently voiced complaints I’ve heard from senior leaders in tech is how much time they lose to calls and meetings with sales weasels. Rather than focusing on strategy (as their job description states), it seems like our top people lose far too much time every week bogged down in pointless performance art rituals put on by money-hungry vendors. Many of the tech executives I’ve spoken with would rather be stuck home sick with severe dysentery than be forced to sit through just one more hour-long product pitch.

Keep in mind, I’m just referring here to the sales pitches themselves … not the endless flow of “follow-up” calls and emails where those same sales weasels ask when budget might finally come available to “seal the deal.” Those “touching base” pings are mind numbingly annoying, but they’re easier to deal with than the in-person pitches. “Delete all” and “block sender” work fine on emails, texts, and phone calls, but don’t work on the physical presence of a hyperventilating sales weasel with giant dollar signs for pupils.

Fair’s fair, I understand (and even empathise with) the average salesperson’s plight. Their only function in business is to convince strangers to part with sweet, sweet money. They serve the same function as a mosquito’s proboscis … and are often just as despised. It’s rare to find a salesperson who does anything more for their client than overpromise and cash the checks. For the worst of the species, the only time you’ll hear from them after a sale is finalized is when they resurface right before the renewal period. By all rights, that makes sales weasels – at best – a necessary irritant and – at worse – something to be splattered across the nearest flat surface.

Am I having some fun here at my sales pals’ expense? Yes. Yes, I am. Messing with my sales pals is one of my favourite pastimes. It might not sound like it, but I do have a few good friends in the tech sales world. These are folks who genuinely want to help others. Good people possessing the integrity to do right by both sides of a contract, even after the ink dries on a contract. People who despise their seedier colleagues the same way we in IT despise our peers who abuse users. In all professional fields, the worst of us give all of us a bad rep.

So, while I’m being honest, I think there is something positive to be said about most all tech salespeople that might justifies why we shouldn’t be quite so hard on them: to their credit, corporate tech junk floggers tend to be a lot less irritating than their door-to-door, business-to-consumer sales cousins. Especially here in Dallas.

For context, we’re plagued with the worst possible flavour of soulless sales weasels in Texas. Here in the “Lone Regulation State,” our government has made it their mission in life to remove as many obstacles as possible from the path of unscrupulous companies. Do you want to take advantage of elderly homeowners with dementia? Do it! Would you rather scam desperate homeowners with fake roof repair services? Have at it! Want to steal a customer’s home out from under them by not paying your subcontractors? Hell, yeah! How about demolishing your customer’s home and never delivering on paid-for remodelling services? That’s hilarious, bro!

One shouldn’t expect an iota of empathy from politicians who are rich enough that “laws” and “regulations” and “common standards of decency” don’t apply to them.

Thanks to our so-called “business first” attitude that prioritises corporate profits above consumer protections, Texas has become a scammer’s paradise. Even when municipalities pass their own laws to protect their citizens, it’s rare to see those laws enforced, save in the ritziest of neighbourhoods. Texans who can’t afford their own pet politician – which is most of us – are considered by our statehouse to be nothing more than fungible crops to be harvested, discarded, and left to rot.

I was reminded of this situation last Friday when a pair of smarmy, twenty-something yuppies rang my doorbell. One glance out my office window made it clear these jack-wagons were violating my community’s solicitor ordinance laws. ^[1] Anyone willing to break the law to sign a contract told me everything I needed to know about the company they represented. I’ve run the standard scales script with these interchangeable, soulless weasels many times, so I knew how my fun with them without them catching on. As such, my encounter went exactly as expected.

After the pair left in defeat, I got to wondering just how much more annoying a workplace sales call would be if IT salespeople used the same tactics that door-to-door scammers use here in Texas … Picture it, if you will:

Secretary: “Sir, there are some people here to see you.”

CIO: “I don’t have anything on my schedule. Who are they? What do they want?”

Generic Sales Weasel, sliding though the office door: “Hi, I’m Chad and this is Hunter with ABC Technologies. Do you have just a moment?”

CIO: “No. How did you get onto my floor without a visitor’s pass?”

Chad: “Ha HA! Are you familiar with [name of street two blocks away]?”

CIO: “No.”

Chad: “We were just over there installing a firewall for [generic business name]. While we were here, we thought we’d check with their neighbours to see if anyone else needed a firewall upgrade.”

CIO: “I do not need a firewall upgrade.”

Hunter: “Oh! How old is your current firewall?”

CIO: “Doesn’t matter; I have my own plan for upgrading our firewall. I don’t want or need your product or services.”
Hunter: “Of course! We understand.”

Chad: “It’s just that we have our firewall expert here in the building checking business’s firewalls for problems for free this afternoon. How about we have her come over and take a look at yours?”

“I dislike having to repeat myself. What part of ‘no’ failed to register, punk?”

CIO: “No, thanks. I’ve already had my own technical performance audit done. I don’t need you to tell me anything about my own network infrastructure.”

Hunter: “That’s no problem. We understand! Of course, we’re a general services IT consultancy and can help out with any IT issues you might be facing: firewalls, inside plant, outside plant, wireless kit, fibre optics …”

CIO: “Oh, really? Okay … Hunter, was it? … I could do with getting some new inside plant Ethernet drops installed. What’s your rate for 10 Gbps PoE runs?”

Hunter: “Oh, yes! We totally do that! Let’s get all your new customer information captured here and we’ll have our firewall expert come by to get you a quote this afternoon!”

CIO, blinking: “I already told you: I don’t need or want any firewall products or services. What I want is some industry standard work. What’s your standard per-drop rate for LAN runs?”

Chad: “Oh, this is no problem at all. Our firewall expert is an expert in everything related to technology. Let’s select a time for her to inspect your infrastructure this afternoon. We’ll get you an estimate for a new firewall and some LAN drops …”

CIO: “What? I just told you that I don’t want or need a quote for a new firewall. If you want my business, quote me what it’ll cost to do what I said I need done.”

Chad: “We understand, it’s just that every quote we prepare automatically includes a replacement firewall, so …”

CIO: “Even if I don’t want one and absolutely won’t buy one? That seems peculiar. Are you sure you provide services beyond just selling ‘firewall replacements’ to random companies?”

Hunter: “Well … er … our job …” [gestures to Chad] “is to help customers like you get the best deal possible for a top-notch firewall. We personally don’t work the other parts of the business.”

CIO: “Soooooo … you two only sell one product during unsolicited, blind sales calls? That seems … inefficient. Do you have an inside plant cable installer salesperson I can speak with instead?”

Chad: “Of course we do! Let me take down all your Personally Identifiable Information including your birthdate, your Social Security number, the name of your first pet, and your corporate credit card number so we can set up that visit …”

CIO: “Why do you need all that? You have my company name and clearly know where to find my office. Just call your person and bring them here.”

Chad, soothingly: “It’s just a formality. We’re required to have all that info to set up a visit.”

CIO: “No. You. Don’t.”

Chad: “Sure, sure. Is there a CFO here, by chance?”

CIO, incredulous: “You’re asking me if my company has a Chief Financial Officer? What does that have to do with anything related to quoting me some cable work?”

You’d think that an experienced sales weasel would know the important differences between “always be closing” and “shooting yourself in the foot.”

Hunter: “Oh, well … our company policy is that we need both spouses … er … executives present when we deliver a quote for a new firewall …”

CIO, seeing red: “I’ve told you more than enough times that I don’t want your [censored] firewall. I am the executive responsible for LAN infrastructure and I am the ultimate decision-maker over how my budget is allocated, so you punks either talk to me … or to no one at all.”

Chad: “We understand. It’s just our policy to require that both executives are present to hear the value proposition for our Ultimate Double-Platinum Exclusive Firewall Replacement Lease program when our senior solutions engineer presents it …”

CIO, holding up hand. “Let’s pause this talk for just a second …”

CIO, into phone: “Liz? Dave here … Yes … I have a problem that needs sorting as soon as you can see to it … I have two unregistered and unwelcome troglodytes in shiny suits befouling my office with their durianesque presence.”

Chad: “Er … is that your CFO? Can you just tell us her birthday and maiden name … for our, um, scheduling form?”

CIO: “Liz, I’d like you and your staff to correct two unacceptable deficiencies in this untenable situation. These repugnant sales blokes are (a) in my office and (b) still in possession of un-shattered kneecaps. Can you please … Yes? … Immediately, yes. … Uh huh … The skip in the alley will do nicely. Thanks.”

Hunter, smiling: “How does five o’clock sound for that new firewall contract signing?”

This fictionalization was, beat for beat, how my chat with the two slimy roofing sales scumbags went last Friday. To be fair, I only yanked the creeps’ chains for a while then threw them off my property. I imagined drop kicking the both of them into traffic but managed to talk myself out of it. There’s just never enough traffic on our little street to make a good yeeting entertaining ...

In all seriousness, consider how bloody insufferable such a sales pitch would go in a corporate setting. The beauty of a corporate sales experience is that the salespeople are usually playing for much higher stakes and are competing against FORTUNE500 enterprise competitors. Those factors require salespeople to bring more “sales game” to every encounter if they want any chance of winning. Hacks and amateurs burn out fast in the white-collar world.

It’s thankfully rare to encounter a salesperson in the modern office park who isn’t plugged into corporate customers and courtesies. That helps make those dreary, hours-long, product demos and pitch meetings tolerable … if not outright entertaining. Frustrating as they might be at times – especially when you have more important tasks left waiting – it’s still better than dealing with an arrogant petty criminal like the ones annoying you at home.

Still, the laws of entropy dictate that things must fall apart. If more companies and nations get tricked into imitating the fake “Texas Miracle” that our state government has been hyping, you might just see the current expectations of minimum salesperson performance erode away as protective regulations and basic professionalism standards give way to a “wild west” free-for-all of amateur scammers and criminals taking over the market. Just a matter of time.

My advice? If you can’t stop your third-party sales environment from devolving into blatant, laissez-faire criminality, then learn to amuse yourself at the sales weasels’ expense.

^[1]Want to solicit in our town? Get registered and wear a high-vis vest. No vest? No permit? You’re a damned scammer no matter how shiny your teeth are and you will only get a double ration of grief when you interrupt my day.